I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
