Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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