I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize