I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
