When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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