my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
