yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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