I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
