you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
