The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
