OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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