out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize