Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
