omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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