cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
