No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
