Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
