He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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