the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
