yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
