Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
