i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
