how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
