I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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