So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
