what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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