There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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