I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
