and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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