New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
