god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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