No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize