Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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