I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
