Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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