Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
