i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
