Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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