explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
