Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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