I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
