This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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