Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
