In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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