everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
