I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
