Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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