Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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