I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
