Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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