so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
