I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
