I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
