forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
