I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
