You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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