Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
