I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
