Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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