Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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